nekoktaz
Art by: Neko Katz Illustration https://www.facebook.com/nekokatzillustration/

Have you ever wanted to stop existing before? Not die—no, that’s too…drastic. But to just cease existing. To have your presence wiped away like words on a blackboard and to leave the world unchanged, undisturbed— as though nothing had happened.

Well, I have, and as much as I want sometimes to just stop existing— I can’t.

Because I take up not a space, but many spaces in this world—unwittingly, involuntarily. I cannot help but exist with a complexity I sometimes wish I didn’t own. But I do.

I am the child, the friend, the person who smiles at you and nods in the middle of a conversation when everyone else has stopped paying attention. I am a random smile you catch in a crowd, the person who orders the same thing every Friday at the café you work at. I am a voice speaking a familiar tongue in a scary, foreign place. I am a face that looks like yours when you are frowned upon for looking the way you look. I am the novel I hold in the stuffed métro, the one that holds dear memories and has warmth gushing to your chest on that grey evening in the lonely, buzzing metropolis.

And when I go, I will leave all these spaces empty. And that will change the world in its own way.

So I cannot stop existing. I cannot go silently, and pretend to be going the way I came.

If I am here now, it is because I entered the world with a bang, with a piercing cry into the noisy world that said:

“Here I am.”

So if I can’t go quietly, if I can’t go without knocking over a few lives, then I should as well go the way I came, with a piercing cry into what they call the void, in a voice that says quite immaturely, quite laughably —like foolish lovers who carve their loves on unsuspecting tree trunks— something, something along the lines of

“I was here.”

And this is a cry the world will hear decades after I am gone: in my books, in my paintings, in my art.

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4 thoughts on “The World Will Miss You: We All Mean Something

  1. Yes, it’s nice to know that it’s not that easy to cease existing. It reminds us that just maybe, we mean more to the world and others than we think. And also its difficulty throws up a really helpful barrier to dark thoughts that in a moment of weakness could lead to an irreversible decision. “So if I can’t go quietly, if I can’t go without knocking over a few lives…” Very true and beautifully put.

    Liked by 1 person

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